Well, it’s that time of year. The calendar page has turned, 2013 is behind us, and you, dear Internet reader, are subjected to an absolute barrage of “best of,” “worst of,” and “top _ of the year” lists. It’s a categorical slog—the likes of which we only get once a year.
That said, if you’re anything like me, you’ll indulge the many writers (amalgamators?) out there. We’ll read what we can, share what we like, and argue with what we don’t. And with the sheer volume of lists you get this time of year the problem then becomes: where do you even start?
Fear not, dear reader, because I’m here to help. Here. You start here. I now present to you the top ten top 10 lists of 2013, calculated using my completely arbitrary algorithm that I’ve spent months developing. It’s tough to explain without charts and some upper-level calculus formulas, but suffice to say, I’ve got this down to a science.
So, without further ado, enjoy what I guarantee will be the most meta experience of your year-in-review reading. It’s time for 2013’s top ten top 10s*:
*All Region lists were excluded from this list. But you should read those, too.
Alright, this first one may be a bit of a cheat. But Time’s yearly opus—containing an incredible 54 top 10s in all— needs to be included just for the sheer audacity of the undertaking. Yeah, it has some filler (Top 10 babies? Top 10 opinions?), but if you didn’t want filler, you probably aren’t reading top 10 lists, anyway.
Metro News isn’t exactly known for their hard-hitting journalism, but, then again, who reads top 10 lists for hard-hitting journalism? When it comes to bizarre news stories, Metro News hit the nail on the head last year—there’s a drunk pig, a hat-wearing squirrel, and a zombie hamster, among others. Also, the drunk pig is named “Swino.” I may have ranked this list too low.
Leave it to The Golf Channel to take a classic top 10 in a direction that nobody—literally nobody— is interested in. Hey, are you a huge golf fan, but also a huge fan of celebrity gossip and couples, who is just dying to see whether power couple Tiger Woods and Lindsay Vonn could be unseated by Dustin Johnson and Wayne Gretzky’s daughter Paulina? No? Well, congratulations! You’re just like everyone else. This one gets bonus points for sheer inanity, as well as including “Davis Love III and Sammy the Squirrel” on the list.
Apparently I have a soft spot for squirrels on top ten lists. On a related note, here is Buzzfeed’s “top 10 pictures of squirrels eating pizza of all time.” If we did this list in 2011, there’s your winner, right there.
First off, I know this entry breaks the spirit of this list. It’s supposed to be the top ten top 10s. But we’re going to make an exception, if only because: a) my algorithm somehow allowed it into the running; and b) I need to make a point here about Buzzfeed. God bless you, Buzzfeed. If you weren’t around, I honestly have no idea who would tell us who the 30 most important cats of the year are. We should be thanking our lucky stars that we don’t have to live in a world where debates rage over the relative importance of “Sir Stuffington” and “Cat in a Shark Costume who Chases a Duck While Riding a Roomba.”
Every year, Southwest B.C. emergency communication centre E-Comm releases this gem, which ultimately finds its way onto most of the starved-for-content-due-to-the-fact-journalists-love-their-winter-holidays major news networks. It’s one of my favourite uses of questionable privacy out there. Side note: they apparently Tweet out top contenders every week. Here’s hoping this is about as popular as it gets, and that there aren’t some enterprising young pranksters out there wanting to jump onto the 2014 list (well, besides me. I’m gunning for you, “my son won’t give me the remote control!”).
United Kingdom, represent! An English publication appears for the second time on this list of lists—this time, documenting the country’s favourite tax cheats: a list that includes a “Deal or no Deal” contestant named “Caroline Banana” and a drag queen known as “Glitterlips.” I love the U.K.
A top 10 list of top 10s on a top 10 list of top 10s! If this list got any more meta, it would metastasize.
Originally, this list found its way on to our list as a joke—I mean, if anyone was going to tell you which words were used too often, why would it be AskMen?? As it turns out, these guys get me. It’s almost like I was one of the men they asked. To save you the slideshow monotony, the words are below:
Not bad, hey? It’s like they sat in on a conversation between me and all of my friends. Well done, AskMen. Well done.
I don’t know what I love more about this list: that there are not one, not two, but ten top-notch Italian Beef Sandwiches in Chicago you’ve probably never tried; or the fact that the author describes his search in rigorous detail, beginning from when he and the rest of his food blog crew went to 11 different Italian Beef Sandwiches places in a day, and ending when he ultimately realized that the secret to finding a great sandwich was to—get this—not look in “random fast food chains.” Two thumbs up for common sense, you crazy Chicagoans.
This, my friends, is the perfect top 10 list. Not only is it a mix of insane pretentiousness (seriously, “Top 10 islands”?) and absolute confusion (it features a completely unexplained ranking system), it also features some of the oddest rankings I’ve ever seen. Leading the pack is Palawan, in the Philippines. It displaces last year’s number 1 island, Boracay—also in the Philippines. The best part? Palawan was unranked last year, suggesting that it either got way, WAY better at being an island, or that it just didn’t exist last year. The second best part? Prince Edward Island comes in at number 5. Spud Islanders, represent!
Did we miss any? Let us know below!
Feature image found on Google.