Sometimes I want to hit the fast forward button on my life. I know that skipping ahead isn’t something that you’re supposed to hope for in your life—everywhere you look someone is telling you to “live each day to the fullest” or to “stop and smell the roses.” But what happens when living each day to its fullest makes them all feel endless, and the roses have no smell at all? What do you do when you just want to skip to the next step? When you just want it now?
For me, wanting to fast forward to the next step isn’t about missing the little things: I love stopping at my favorite bakery to pick up fresh bread, walking downtown while “Wish You Were Here” plays at full volume and the wind whips through my hair, or calling my mom to talk a lot about very little. These are the little pieces of my days that make me smile, but they often don’t supersede the feeling of monotony that occurs even when I’m doing something I enjoy. Wanting to skip this (hopefully small) section of my life isn’t about missing the little things; it is about getting to the big ones.
I am so close to reaching several crossroads in my life, and the feeling of not quite being there is, quite frankly, terrible. I have two semesters left of university but due to scheduling I can’t start them until after this summer, and my boyfriend of almost five years has been working across the province since January and won’t be home until mid-August. If I felt like I could be actively working towards the things that I want (to name a few: career, marriage, kids, major change of location) perhaps I wouldn’t be in such a rush to get through the next couple of months. As it is, I feel completely stagnant. Making any huge life changes would simply disrupt the things I’m currently waiting for, so my only realistic option is to continue to wait.
I’m at a place in my life where I have to wait, and I hate it. If I could fast forward to mid-August right now, I can honestly say that I would. Screw waiting! Does this attitude out me as an unappreciative, spoiled brat, typical of my Veruca Salt Generation (as in “Don’t Care How, I Want It Now!”)? Maybe it does. Or maybe wanting to fast forward isn’t so unreasonable. Maybe everyone has those moments they wish they could skip, and that’s okay. We don’t need to savor each day and package it up into an Instagram-Perfect memory. Some days are just days that must be lived in order to get to the next. Maybe that’s the wrong way to think of it, but right now I think that’s life.